Here is my story.....One of the most absolute blessings in my life is that God gave me parents that loved Him and not only brought my siblings and I up in the church. But they also continually (including to this day) have modeled a personal relationship with our Lord and Savior. I excepted Christ as my Lord and Savior when I was 9 years old. Growing up there was several years in my life that I did not view my parents as a blessing at all. It was around my sophomore year in high school that I began to struggle with what I can now identify as depression. It wasn't because I didn't have friends in fact I was one of the "popular" kids and had plenty of friends around. It wasn't because I was unloved at home, or because I even had a hard life. It was because I was lonely and desperately searching for something to make me feel whole. It was towards the end of my sophomore year that I discovered what I thought I was looking for and something that made me "feel" complete: the party scene. I started to party drinking, smoking cigarettes, and stumbled in to using pot and ecstasy. When I was partying I was numb. Numb to life, to hurt, and to feeling empty so I thought. I felt like I found people and things that I could relate to and that my parents where idiots that didn't know anything. This lifestyle quickly sent my home life, academics, and sports into a complete tailspin. I was arguing with my parents lying, stealing their money, and cars. I got kicked off the soccer and swim team was flunking out of school and eventual expelled out of school at the beginning of my senior year. However, in the midst of all of this God and His love that never failed and He covered me. My parents both knew that I could not continue like this and it was with their tough love and financial resources that they placed me in a boarding school for troubled teens in Westminster, Colorado called Shelterwood. Like any rebellious, ungrateful, and completely selfish teenager I did not see any blessings in this. I was furious with my parents and didn't talk to them the first 3 months of my stay, I resented them for 'butting in' and taking me away from my friends who I deemed as so important. Yet, it was during this time (7months) that I most importantly go clean and sober and began to get my academics back on track.
I then came back to California, against the wishes of my parents who wanted me to stay and finish the program. I was 18, and even though I was clean and sober I felt that I still knew what was best for my life. When I came back to CA, my parents didn't allow me to live with them so I moved in with a friend and her family. I finished school and got my high school diploma things where on the mend on the outside, but inside I still was lonely and felt the hole in my soul. It didn't take long for me to fall back into the party scene. Except this time I feel so much deeper than I could have ever imagined myself to go. I became addicted methamphetamine. Meth is a scary, violent, and evil drug. It takes the person that you where and kills them and replaces them with the ugliest person you can think of. I was out of control completely everything that I did revolved around getting high. Yet, still even in the dark there was light, the light of God"s love shining on me through my parents. My parents although setting strict tough love rules to protect them and my other sisters, always showed me unconditional love and covered me in prayer. They never stopped praying....I had gotten arrested, charged with possession of a controlled substance, and was facing jail time (2yrs). Again, God came to my rescue. The judge gave me a second chance and placed me on community service and probation. I didn't take it at the time as God or my parents and other prayer warriors calling out to our King on my behalf. I chalked it up to, luck. I knew that I could not continue to use but I didn't know how to stop. It was one day I was feeling so very drained and tired after a week long bender that I went to sleep. That is it, I went to sleep don't remember how long I slept but I think it was a couple days but when I woke up I knew that I never wanted to pick up that pipe ever again! Again, this was God pulling me from the depths and saving me. I don't know the exact statistics but I know that meth users rarely escape the addiction. But I bet the odds with God and he healed me from this evil drug that had me in bondage.
One would think OK surely after all of this I had hit my rock bottom. I was clean from meth but still liked to party I had just turned 21, and I would justify it as I'm not a druggie anymore I just like to drink and party. My selfishness and love for self-indulgence, led me down other path of filling my emptiness through drinking and relationships with men. I continued in this party lifestyle for 6 more years. I didn't consider myself to have a drinking problem because I had a job, I paid rent, I was responsible, but what I didn't see was the dangers of binge drinking. I was married at 28 to my husband Eddie. Like many newly weds we argued and it was taking time for us to adjust into marriage. But, something that I was not willing to let go of at the time was my binge drinking. It was within 8 month into our marriage after a really bad drinking night that Eddie has reached what he was calling the end. He loved me but couldn't and didn't see me as the wife that he had thought he had married. This was my rock bottom.....here I had thought that I would shove all the brokenness and disappointment of my past away and now I was an adult and married and would live happily ever after and it would all just work out. Eddie was talking divorce and I was devastated. I found myself, on my knees in my room weeping, and sobbing uncontrollably. But, in the moment of my rock bottom I wasn't alone. I felt something that I hadn't felt in years and it was God letting me know that he was there. Kneeling I began to cry out to Him begging him to fix me, to fix my marriage, letting him know what He already knew but in confession of my sins and of how wrong I was for departing from Him. It was there in my room that I rededicated my life to Him. Again, God never let go and His love never failed. My amazing Mom saw me in this brokenness and as always we there to pray with me, love on me, and give me Godly advice. She sent me a link to Fireproof your Marriage. Even with this huge transformation in my heart, Eddie was not there. He was sleeping in the other room, still talking divorce and just so unsure of what the future held for us. In Fireproofing your Marriage it is a 40 day challenge that give you scripture and a love dare for each day. In these Love Dares you are asked to do different things like giving you spouse a small gift, telling them you love them 3 time in a day, writing them a note of encouragement. Then harder things like asking you spouse what are three area in your life that you need to work on (and not respond or get angry -- that was hard). In the first 5 or 6 days Eddie was pretty much no responsive. He would just look at me like I was crazy when I said I loved him or had encouraging words, he looked at the gift I gave him and through it aside. But, it was around day 15 that I began to see his walls come down, and his heart soften. Again, that wasn't me this was God. He was not only healing the many years of hurt that I had tried to pretend didn't exist, He was healing my marriage piece by piece and day by day. It was at the end of the 40 days that I sat back in awe of what God had done. Eddie and I committed to never bring up the 'D' word as we call it ever again, and we moved forward both fully committed to the sacrament of marriage. I began attending a church and found a church that I could call my home. I dove deep into a gospel centered community as my support. Almost a year to the date of when we began our talks of the 'D' word I found out that I was expecting our first child. This blessing was a reminder of how God is good, his love never fails and he never give up on us! And yet again sat back in awe of what God had done.
I thought that it would be easier to embrace my story writing it done but it honestly was just as tough as when I shared this with the MOPS group. I had to pause on a few different parts to go get myself some Kleenex. But I know that it is not in my own strengths that I was able to embrace my story and share it. I must give all of that glory to God. This year his called me to serve His Kingdom in a way I never thought possible and yes in my own strength it would not be possible. He called me to serve not because I am the mom or wife that "has it all together". He called me because I am broken and I am redeemed through His sufferings and what he did on the cross for us all.
Following me sharing we had our speaker Adelle Gabielson, and she shared this beautiful picture that defined what God did in my life. It was a picture of a stained glass mosaic, much like us we are little broken pieces put back together by God and when His light shines through us it brings a new beauty. This year our theme for MOPS is A Beautiful Mess" Embrace your Story". Little did I know that the plans that God had for me when I stepped out in faith as the coordinator. Our theme verse for the year is found in Ephesians. And I love this verse. It speaks of the truths that God as our redeemer has for us and how He sees us.
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)
Again, to this day I am in awe of what God has done, had someone told me almost 5 years ago as I lay weeping in my room that God would have brought me to where I am I can't say that I would have believed them. But his is my story, that God has made shine in His infinite wisdom and truths. My hopes in sharing my story is that other moms in our group will do the same. I know that every mom in our group has their own beautiful mess and their own story that defines them. And it is my prayer that we all can come to MOPS as a safe place to be vulnerable and share life with each other.
In his Joy! Shannon
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