Parenting: Trying to get a grip on discipline

The time has arrived and we are almost at the "terrible 2's" or "trying 2's". However, you choose to referrer to it the time has come....I wouldn't say that I have dreaded this season of Isaac's life arriving, I just knew that it meant like any other season that it would be time for a change (yet again). Isaac is exploring his new found freedoms of being a toddler in many ways. #1 on that list is testing his boundaries with Eddie and I. I do love when I come to pick him up from his Sunday school class and I hear that he is very obedient and a great listener, yet I don't want to be naive in thinking that that is enough or that it is up to others to teach him. I feel that when it comes to implementing a technique or method of discipline the same rule of being proactive definitely applies. I gave up the ideal that I was going to be a perfect parent with the most perfectly polite and well behaved kiddo on the planet a while ago. Becoming a parent truly humbled me to know that there is no perfect parent other than God, and striving to obtain it will run you very dry!

Disciplining Isaac is not so that we [ I ] can "look good" as parent(s) or because we [ I ] want to not be the parent(s) that are being stared at in the store because of a massive meltdown or tantrum. Regardless of implementing discipline with Isaac I know that the meltdown and tantrums will be there. And "looking good" is fleeting because no matter what other people will be looking and judging. I am not guilt-free here because I too have been on the other side, sitting there watching a meltdown of sorts transpire between a child and parent and just flat out judging them for how they are handling it or the lack of them even doing anything. In being honest...this isn't just pre-kid Shannon judging this is recently. I admit it, I struggle with judging other parents. I try not to and there is no excuse but I do, I watch and still have the thoughts of thinking" "oh I'd never" or "really I can't believe that just happened". When the truth is that discipline is hard! Its hard on the parents and the kids. But, my thoughts are you can't just sit back and do nothing because its hard.

So...I don't travel down that road of perfection but like I mentioned before however, I do want to find a way that we can not only teach Isaac about obedience and respect but also about unconditional love and grace. Some may feel that those things don't belong in the same sentence but I absolutely do. As a follower of Christ I know that it is God's love and grace that I am forgiven by and that there is nothing that I can do that will separate me from that. Yet, that doesn't give me free reign to do whatever I want, God's desire for me is to have my obedience as well. Eddie's and my desire is to model that to Isaac while delving down this road of discipline and obedience. I will admit even writing this out makes it seem much easier than the task that lies ahead. Like all ventures in parenting this I know will be a constant works in progress.

I would love to say that this is the part that I tell you that I have figured it out and I have a wonderful technique that we have implemented in our family and Isaac has taken to with out. The truth is we have a good base of our values and morals and that's all folks! Although I will not diminish our beliefs or morals that we are desiring to instill in Isaac as we help mold his character because it is a good start. I just know that the thought it not enough with out an action plan. We do need explore and learn some more about disciplining children and what will work for our family as a whole. That is one of the reasons why I am super excited to be attending a seminar that our Church is hosting this Saturday (06/28) called Confident Parenting . I am very much looking forward to getting more direction in my parenting as well as partnering with Eddie and being on the same page. If you are local I encourage you to think and pray about attending!

Below are a couple of books that I have set on my to read list for this summer. The first book "1-2-3 Magic" by Thomas Phelan Ph.D. was a recommendation from my sister and I have seen first hand that although it is not meltdown or tantrum proof (I know that doesn't exist) it has had a positive effect on the obedience of her girls. Secondly "Confident Parenting" by Jim Burns which I do not know too much about other than that it is the book that is the basis of the parenting seminar in which we are attending this weekend. This is the very beginning of this works in progress of trying to get a grip on discipline. I know we still have a long journey a head and I will be posting updates good or bad. I like to keep it honest and authentic here.

Cosleeping...Americas Dirty Little Secret

I've been thinking about making a post in regards to cosleeping for a while now. It was a little bit back that a friend of mine whom I love for her openness and honestly said, "cosleeping is Americas dirty little secret". That really resonated with me and rang very true to me. True because we've been there as a family feeling embarrassment, shame, justified, and just trying to survive another day as new parents. I'm calling cosleeping a dirty little secret becasue often people don't want to open up about it or even talk openly about it until they find other parents doing the same and they feel like they are in the 'safe zone' to reveal the truth about their sleeping situation. Believe me I know it, because I've lived it.

First, I do want to say this is by no means going to be me on a soap box advocating or defending a side. It is simply me being open and honest about my family's choices and what has worked and not worked for us. To clarify before I dive in there is a difference between cosleeping and bed sharing cosleeping is broad term that generally means sharing a room with your child. And then there is bed sharing which is exactly as it sounds...its sharing a bed. Been there and done both as you will read about later in this post. 

Without a doubt I can let you know that bed sharing was not the family plan.  A direct quote pre kid, "I will never let my children sleep in my bed! NEVER!" Cosleeping on the other hand was our original plan. I knew that I didn't want to have our little guy too far (other room) I wanted him within arms reach in a bassinet. Then as he out grew the bassinet I would transition him into the other room. Well...in retrospect I now see why so many people give the advice to new parents that things rarely go as planned. Because in true Isaac form my plans were not his (just like his entrance into this world!) and he was not a fan of the bassinet. It was mostly due to survival mode that we first begun to bed share. I was sleep deprived with a lazy nurser that would wake up right on cue to me finally falling asleep! This is where I will say that EVERY child is different and I'm sure that I could have implemented A stricter regime for his sleeping and eating but at 1-4 months of life it was not what we chose to do as a family. We chose to bed share. We set up a little space I'm between Eddie and I using the changing table pad and with one arm firmly flexed and ready to punch Eddie in the back if he even thought about rolling towards the baby..this is how we survived, and slept. 

With Isaac getting older and mobility changing a new plan developed. It was time to transition him back to his crib. We still chose to cosleep by sharing our room. Well, with a 1 bedroom condo we could put him or or ourselves in the front room but...we didn't want to do that. So, with this transition came sleep training. Yes, I said it sleep training. Some may think that because we where bed sharing that we must be softies that would never ever let our precious baby cry it out. Well, you'd be wrong with that assumption. I knew the te had come for Isaac to truly learn how to put himself to sleep. It was tough I wish that it I could say that sleep training is easy but it wasn't and it isn't. At least it wasn't in out home. Isaac took to sleep training like he did nursing. He put up a knock down drag out fight, but in the end it was all so worth it. He was putting himself to sleep! Oh did we feel victorious. We wanted to pat ourselves in the back, but just when we where about to. Again, in true Isaac form he had his own ideas. According to the books , Drs, friendly advice, and unsolicited advice we had been given when they wake you let them cry it out again. For us that didn't work! It's not that we are softies I swear! But as a Mom, wife, employee, and human being enough becomes enough and you begin to live in survival mode yet again. 

Although Isaac was putting himself to sleep (which was still very amazing) he was still a night waker. He was 12 months, 15 months, and 18 months and still waking at night. He would go to sleep around 7:30 or 8 then like wake around 10pm-12am every night. Let him re-cry it out wasn't working. For almost 3 weeks straight he wouldn't back down. Simply and truthfully he broke me down with sleep deprivation. It was at this point that we divided that a cosleeping/bed sharing combo would work the best for us. Isaac would put himself to sleep, then when he would wake up instead of having a stand off crib side we would just put him in the bed and he would fall right back asleep. Believe me, at this point Eddie and I both were still wondering why was our 18 month old not sleeping through the night (waking at 3:30-4am - every night). You really questions things about your parenting choices, what you are doing wrong, and why this is still happening. It was a tough and rough season of life. Isaac was sleeping longer than he ever did before, but after 18 long months we were very worn. 

It was around 19-20 months Isaac finally began to sleep past the 3:30-4am wake ups. He was still waking to be placed in our bed but in my eyes if he was doing that before I went to bed and then letting sleep through the night it was a vast improvement! Consecutive sleep is a huge improvement all together for our family. If you have a child that has struggled with sleeping there really is no further explanation required here. Others may be quick in offering advice in what we did wrong, what we can try, or maybe not advice but just flat out judgement. However, like I mentioned in the beginning this post isn't about that it is about my family's story and how I have embarrassed my own trial and error of being a first time parent. Because I know that I could have, should have, or even if would have...but we didn't. We CHOSE to cosleep and bed share. I get it that this is not for every family out there. I too love my space and my bed but I also know that Isaac will not be 10 yrs old and still sleeping in our bed! Yet, I also know he is my tender heart little guy that will sneak in after a bad dream and I am OK with that!

My 2 cents:

1. Don't feel shamed for your choices that you make as a family  -- that's what they are they are your family's choices! Embrace them and figure out what works best for your family.
2. Change it up -- just because one way of cosleeping or bed sharing was working for months it might not work as your kiddo grows. 
3. The whole world doesn't revolve around your kid -- yep I said it again I'm not some push over Momma with no boundaries. You still need to set boundaries with sleeping and discipline 
4. Keep checking in with your spouse or partner -- It is vital to your relationship that this be a choice you make together. If one is thinking its time for a change...communicate it and make it happen 
5. Don't let the spark die out -- the million dollar question....if a kids in your bed how to maintain the intimacy? Without revealing too much..lets be honest its boring even if you didn't have a kid to only mess around in your bed! You get creative and make it work, but don't use a kid in the bed as an excuse to NOT be intimate. 

Our current sleeping set up